Tried Gay Speed Dating in London? Maybe It’s Time to Slow Down…

Single and ready to mingle with gay men in London at a new singles event?

If you’ve been searching for gay speed dating in London, I’m going to suggest something that goes in the opposite direction!

What if you did the opposite?

I get the appeal of gay speed dating if you’re in London. You get off the apps, walk into a room full of actual gay men and meet a bunch in a single evening.

Four minutes with each. Bell rings. Next man. Repeat.

For some gay guys, that might work. Not for me. I want more depth, more time, more connection.

And I kept wondering what might happen if we gave gay men more time with each other.

Enough time for your first impression to be wrong!

Enough time for somebody to grow on you!

And enough time to discover that the man you probably wouldn't have swiped right on is actually hilarious, sweetly sexy in a way you had not noticed at first, has lived an extraordinary life or makes you feel strangely comfortable when you're around him.

I eventually found the answer to my question.

Slow Dating+ for gay men to meet without the masks.

And yesterday, I ran the 6th one over the last year.

What is Slow Dating+ For Gay Men?

This is speed dating for gay men done slow in London

Slow Dating+ is a speed dating gay men alternative in London.

The latest one brought 24 men together for 6.5 hours. It was sold out and the day was delicious!

Yes. Six and a half hours. Sound like a long time? No booboo. It flies by when you’re having fun! Because this is not just a singles night for gay men in London. This is a gay dating event and a workshop all rolled into one. You actually learn about yourself and leave with new skills to take forward into love, intimacy, romance and dating!

One guy told me afterwards that he could have done the whole thing as a two-day retreat, so apparently I haven't completely lost my mind!

Instead of spending 2 minutes opposite somebody before moving onto the next man, we spend the day meeting in different ways.

Sometimes you're diving into a beautiful connection question one-to-one.

Sometimes you're in a group of three or four exploring questions like “what does your future love story look like?” or “what are the questions you’d like to ask on a first date but never do!” and some of them are hilarious!

Sometimes you're moving, playing a stupid game, writing somebody a Love Note for their envelope, or exploring gentle, platonic non sexual touch and massage.

And sometimes you're simply sitting opposite another gay man and discovering who the he is in a gentle way.

This is a gay dating event and singles day where you have time to get past the awkward bit and shake off the nerves! Not to mention you are guided and facilitated every step of the way. Nobody is left out, on the sidelines. Everyone has a partner or a group every step of the way.

Gay Dating Events Make You Nervous?

Walking into a room containing 23 other gay men can bring up quite a lot.

“Do I look good enough?”

“Will anyone fancy me?”

“Who do I talk to?”

“What do I say”

“How do I let someone know I like them?”

“Do I fit in here?”

All of the is normal and natural. And Slow Dating is created with this in mind.

We star gently and softly to break the ice.

Everybody starts by Building a Buddies Badge. You find another man, discover his name, where is from, why he is here, and his favourite colour and code number for the badge, then you make his badge for him!

This tiny task is brilliant and breaking the tension. And you get a task to focus on.

People immediately start chatting. The usual “Where are you from? What do you do? How did you hear about this?” conversation happened naturally while everyone had something to do with their hands.

So once the small talk is out the way, we do an opening circle so everyone knows the guidelines of how to be in the space and our values of kindness, respect and holding each other in a positive light.

Then we played move into Mingle Bingo.

“Find somebody who can recite four lines of Shakespeare”

“Find someone who's been to a dating event before and ask what happened”

“Find someone and ask what their biggest green flag is when dating”

“Find someone with a tattoo and find out the story behind it”

Within 15 minutes the room was buzzing with curiosity! Again, a bingo card in your hand and pen, guided focussed questions and a goal. The magic formula to break nerves and awkwardness!

Read here for 10 more ways to meet gay men in London that doesn’t involve swiping

Then we went deeper

You get to know the other gay men at this dating even in a variety if different ways.

Unlike other gay dating events and queer singles nights in London, across the day we move through different games and exercises and conversations, with plenty of one-to-one time alongside groups of three and four.

Some were playful and silly bringing out the inner child.. Others became incredibly tender and deep.

One guy said afterwards:

“It was so refreshing to meet a diverse group of men of different ages, backgrounds, cultures and histories that you may never meet in your usual bubble.”

I loved that! And that’s what it is all about. I often get questions asking “what are the age of the men who are coming to Slow Dating?” and my answer is always the same…

“I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Slow Dating is about meeting a variety of men from different areas of life, to learn from and be inspired by, and maybe create connection with”

Because one of the things I'm increasingly interested in is what happens when gay men give each other a little more time, a little more grace, a little more time and a little more respect.

You might discover attraction.

You might meet someone you want to date.

You might meet a brother, a friend or somebody whose story inspires the hell out of you.

Sometimes you might spend three minutes with somebody, never see him again, and still take something from that encounter home with you!

This Ridiculous Game Brought Some Tears

Be surprised by who you meet and connect with at the speed dating for gay men done differently…

My biggest surprise from the most recent Slow Dating event, which won’t be happening at gay dating events in London, probably, came from an exercise called Pitch Your Bitch.

Classy, I know… we like to keep it fun (and gay!)

In groups of 3 the men interviewed each other and found out as much as they could. What are you proud of? What have you overcome? What are your weird geeky interests? What are your gifts?

Then each man had to stand up and pitch his bitch to the rest of the room.

I thought this would be a fast, furious, cheesy game-show moment.

So after the first couple I was thinking:

Come on gays! Quicker! Snap snap! We've got to move on!

Yes. I was rushing people during Slow Dating!

LOOOOOL.

Then I realised what was happening.

The guys were saying the most beautiful things about each other.

They were bigging each other up. Celebrating what they'd discovered. Telling the rest of the room what they admired about this man and why somebody should get to know him.

Some were hilarious. Others were incredibly vulnerable. Some were so tender.

There were a few damp eyes, mine included.

So I stopped watching the clock and let it happen.

Later I told everyone that I'd expected the exercise to be silly and hadn't realised it would become so moving.

One of the guys said:

“The reason it became so moving is because you created a space where we felt safe enough to go there.”

That has stayed with me.

Read my article How To Meet Gay Men In London Without Apps, Bars of Clubs

Maybe Gay Dating Needs a Little More Room

I'm a sexologist. I'm hardly going to pretend you can put 24 gay men into a room and suddenly nobody is sexual.

There was attraction yesterday. There was Eros in the air. There were men who fancied each other. GOOD!

But we gave ourselves six and a half hours where sexuality didn't have to dominate every interaction.

There was room to discover whether somebody made you laugh. Whether you found him interesting. Whether you felt comfortable around him. Whether his life experience moved you.

Then you could see what else was there.

One of my favourite parts of Slow Dating is the Love Notes.

Throughout the day there is set time where you leave notes for the men you've met to put in their envelopes. Appreciation, compliments, gratitude, a phone number, an invitation for a date, or simply:

“Wow. Your story really inspired me. What a courageous, beautiful soul you are.”

And everyone goes home with beautiful messages to read at the end of the day.

I think there is something beautiful about 24 gay men spending a Saturday telling each other what they appreciated about one another, from platonic to more…

Gay speed dating alternative in London

So, is Slow Dating Better Than Gay Speed Dating?

I don't think there needs to be a winner booboo.

If four-minute dates sound exciting to you, go speed dating. London has plenty of them. Personally, I find them a bit overwhelming and stressful. But that’s me. I have ADHD, sound sensitive, and cord sensitivity! So end up just feeling stressed and tired. Haha!

But that’s just me…

I created Slow Dating+ as a gay speed dating alternative, because I wanted to find out what becomes possible when we have considerably more time, a slower pace and more variety of ways to learn about someone beyond just questions… games and play too!

Yesterday somebody described the day as “beautifully curated.” Another suggested making it a two-day retreat. One man gave me perhaps the most useful piece of feedback of the entire day:

“It's called Slow Dating, and I love that. I think it could be even slower.”

I think he might be right.

There are things I'll change next time. Maybe slightly less exercises. Even more space for the conversations that unexpectedly take us somewhere. More trust in the moments when I can feel that something in the room has landed and nobody needs me to hurry it along.

I've been running Slow Dating+ for a year now.

The first one was a bit of a mess.

Yesterday was close to perfect. So close to what I'd always imagined Slow Dating could be.

Looking For a Gay Dating Event in London?

Slow Dating+ returns to London on Saturday 14 November.

If you've tried gay speed dating, or gay singles nights, or any kind of dating event and you're bored shitless of swiping, or you're simply curious about meeting gay men with a little more time and a lot less pressure, your invitation awaits.

The last Slow Dating+ sold out with 24 men.

The waiting list for 14 November is now open, and people on it will get first access to tickets and the best price before public release.

Maybe the person you're hoping to meet could do with more than four minutes too.

With Love & Pleasure,
Gary x

About the author:

Gary Albert is a Sex, Love & Intimacy Therapist, sexologist and the creator of Slow Dating+ and Pleasure Medicine, bringing gay men together for more human connection, dating and community in London.