How To Overcome Sex Addiction For Gay Men

Am I A Sex Addict?

Let me start by saying this: I used to think I was a sex addict.

I couldn’t stop scrolling. Couldn’t stop cruising. Hookups, porn, fantasies. It was like my body had a mind of its own. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t do it again and hours later I was back in the loop.

I felt shame. Confusion. Powerlessness. Helplessness. Futility.

But what I’ve learned since is, what we call sex addiction is often not addiction in the way we think. It’s a calling. A red flag from the body and psyche, the soul even. A sign that something in us is longing for real contact, real feeling, real freedom, intimacy, connection.

And if you’re a gay man raised in a world that shamed your sexuality, made you feel wrong just for being you, this makes perfect sense.

Why Sex Addiction Isn’t About Sex

You’re not addicted to sex. You’re addicted to what it gives you temporarily:

• A hit of dopamine

• A feeling of power or being desired

• A momentary escape from discomfort, shame or pain

Sex addiciotn is not actually about the sex. It’s about nervous system regulation. Anal sex actually has a hugely dysregulating effect on the body! That’s why so many gay men are bottoms! We’re all stressed out looking for regulation.

Most of us are carrying so much unprocessed stress, grief, loneliness or trauma, that our bodies find ways to cope. Sex just happens to be one of the most potent and socially accessible (for gay men anyway!) ways to soothe the overwhelm.

Over time, that creates a loop:

• Stress or emptiness triggers arousal

• We reach for sex or porn to escape

• Our dopamine spikes, then crashes

• The nervous system never actually settles

• So we do it again

The Brain Chemistry Behind Compulsion

The brain loves novelty. Every new image, match, fetish or fantasy hits the reward system. Dopamine gets released. But too much stimulation over time dulls our sensitivity.

What used to turn you on stops working. So you go harder. Stronger. Longer. More. Until you’re more and more desensitised and disconnected.

This is where many gay men start to panic:

“I can’t stop. I have no control. I must be a sex addict”

But instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” the real question is:

“What is my body and psyche trying to feel that it hasn’t been allowed to feel?”

A much kinder, compassionate and more helpful answer…

Arousal Is a Map: Understanding Erotic Templates and Sex Addiction in Gay Men

In The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin says, “What arouses us is what we eroticise.” And what we eroticise is often shaped by early experiences, moments of shame, taboo, pain, abandonment or longing.

This is called your arousal template.

It’s not fixed. It’s fluid. And it can be expanded.

If all you’ve known is fast, intense, disconnected sex, it’s no wonder that’s what your body reaches for. It’s what has become familiar.

But it doesn’t mean it’s all you’re capable of! It’s just what you always turn to…

When we slow down, become more present and curious and give the body new kinds of erotic experiences, the arousal template begins to shift, flow and expand.

You rewire your nervous system. You feel more. You need less intensity to get turned on. You come back into relationship with your erotic body and your authentic sexual self. You stop doing things you’d rather not do. You stop having things done to you that you don’t want done to you.

And actually you open to hotter more passionate honest sex with yourself and others.

My Story: From Sex Addiction to Erotic Aliveness

For years, I was stuck in that loop. Compulsive sex, secretive porn binges, cruise clubs. A sense that I was constantly chasing something I couldn’t quite find.

The turning point came when I broke the silence. I told a friend and opened up. I started looking at what was underneath the behaviours. The loneliness, the grief, the trauma, the lack of touch that felt safe. The desire for connection and intimacy and kindness.

That’s when everything started to change.

I started dancing again. I found sober spaces where I could connect with movement and joy without. That’s why I created Pleasure Medicine my Ecstatic Dance for gay men.

I trained in Somatic Sexology and began working with my own erotic energy, breath work, exploring and learning from my fantasies and regulating my nervous system.

And over time, what had felt compulsive began to feel conscious, exciting, filled with wonder, joy and delight.

Healing Sex Addiction Through the Body

This is the piece most models miss. Healing sexual compulsion isn’t just about willpower or abstinence. And you definitely can’t therpay talk your way out of it.

It’s about repatterning the body and mind. It’s about harnessing your sexual energy and learning to work with it rather than it controlling you. This helps you:

• Build new arousal and erotic patterns

• Learn how to regulate your nervous system

• Release shame stored in the body

• Experience pleasure in slower, more connected ways

• Elevate your self-pleasure practice

The Erotic Reset:
A 7-Day Journey Back To Your Body

Not everyone can access to or is ready for hands-on Somatic Erotic Bodywork right away.

That’s why I created The Erotic Reset — a 7-day self-paced erotic home practice for gay men.

Each day, you get:

• An erotic self pleasure practice

• Guided video demos for me on the cock massage techniques.

• A beautiful 30+ page workbook and guide to track your journey

• Real-time support and reflection with a community of other gay men in a private Telegram group

No Zoom calls. No performance. Instead, a safe space to rewire your arousal template and claim your sexual powert at your own pace.

If you want to:

• Heal from compulsive patterns

• Reignite your turn-on

• Feel more in self-pleasure and sex with others

• Learn how to harness sexual energy

This program is for you.

Learn more and join here: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/reset

Final Thoughts: Sex Addiction in Gay Men Does Not Mean You’re Not Broken

If you’ve been asking yourself: "Am I a sex addict?" I want to say gently: you're not broken. You’re not sick. You’re not too much. There’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re a sensitive, sensual being who maybe never got the chance to feel the full power of your erotic energy in a safe, conscious, loving way.

You can begin again. You can rewire your relationship with pleasure. You can come back home to your body. And you can have amazing orgasmic cosmic sex!

The first step? Slow down. Listen. And meet yourself honestly.